Peace, and Hope, and Love.

I'm very saddened to learn of a former family member (by marriage, now divorced) who took her own life over the weekend.  I hope she has found peace now.  I have glimpsed through friends the complete isolation and pain that might lead one to take her own life.  I am grateful I have not walked that path.  Yet, I try to understand those who do.  I don't want to second guess my relative and say, "Well, she should have done this or that."  I just want to say, "I'm so very sorry."  She left behind four grown daughters and two grandchildren.  My hope for them is this . . . I hope you remember those times, even though you might have been very young, that your mom showed hope.  I hope you remember those times she was happy and capable of showing you love.  For all four of you, I ask that you not allow this hopeless incident to define your life because this was not about you.  It was about your mother's pain and her inability to see any other way out of it.  You are very bright and courageous young women.  You are not your mother.  You each have an incredible future ahead of you.  I wish you to always have hope and peace and the comfort that you are not alone.  I ask you to seek help in finding that, if necessary, but do know it is there.  I don't know what else to say.  I am so very sorry.

Sometimes you just need a break . . .

I made a decision today to take a break from Facebook.  I have been thinking about it for a while.  I thought I would be really sad about it and still conflicted about disabling my account, but I felt relief.  I LOVE Facebook.  I love reestablishing connections with people I have known well, following people daily that I keep in touch with sparsely, and making new connections with people I do not know very well.  I love the affirmation I have received from friends as I struggle with weight loss and parenting and life.  Lately, I've noticed a disconcerting trend.  It started about six months ago when the political race for president heated up.  There was (and still is) such contempt around politics.  I'm kind of an odd bird when it comes to politics.  I'm conservative on some issues and liberal on others.  Still others I walk down the middle of the road.  But, when the posts and comments I see are so hateful, I feel angry and hateful too and want to lash out at friends.  But, I don't.  I see religion rear it's ugly head as I watch people attempt to manipulate their "friends" into following their own rules sometimes leaving Jesus and his teachings completely out of the picture.  This makes me angry.  And sad.  Where does Jesus say, "Manipulate those people to follow me?"  I can disagree with these friends, but there is no discussion.  Only contempt.  I really don't need that contempt.  There are counters to the political haters and the religious haters, but their voices are soft in comparison.  So, in the interest of my attempts to be healthy -- mentally, spiritually, and physically -- I'm taking a break.  Maybe I will write more here.

Processing

I've rolled my eyes many times at my therapist (yes, not afraid to admit I see one) for saying, "It's a process."  I think I finally understand.  It IS a process.  Healing, understanding, growth are IN the process.  They are not the process itself, but the act of working out each little part.  Slogging through limited understanding or none at all.  Working through the really hard stuff.  It is a process!  Next step, please!

Muddy

I realized something about myself today.  Nothing earth shattering, but helpful for me.  It seems the older I get, the less I see life in black and white and the more I see in gray.  I'm OK with that.  Instead of becoming more conservative, I'm becoming more liberal.  Life is messy.  There is no way around it.  There is just really nothing neat and put together about it.  I'm OK with that.  I am becoming much more comfortable with all the messiness and less so with the "we must always look as if we have everything wrapped up in a nice bow because we don't want anyone to know we don't have it all together" crowd.  NO ONE has it all together.  NO ONE.  Everyone who is alive is in the messiness.  Let's stop pretending everything is OK when it's not.  Let's stop trying to fool ourselves.  Let's start finding ways to support each other in the messiness.  Let's just be who we are and try our best to love each other where we meet.  I'll be honest.  Even in the discomfort of messiness, I feel more at home in the messiness than I do in the cardboard "we have it all together" place.  I have a greater love for those admitting the mess than those who do not.  I'm in my own messiness.  Let's stop saying our toys are better than your toys will ever be.  Let's step out of our comfort zones and look at other ideas.  Better yet, let's move all that stuff aside and look at each other as God's children.  Each unique.  Each with something to contribute.  Each loved.  This works in politics, religion, and life.  Please help me work on this in my own life!  "Acceptance does not mean approval." Dr. Cynthia Bishop (social work professor at Meredith College)

Issues

I'm a little caught off guard by all the Chic-Fil-A hoopla.  I'll admit it makes me a little crazy.  Both sides of the argument make me crazy.  One person posted on FB that the CFA restaurants in her city were all swamped and that indicates a great stand for God.  Well, now, no it doesn't.  I've seen people post pictures of crowded CFA restaurants.  Well, that might be good for their business today, but it is hardly standing up for God.  Maybe if you take that meal you just bought and give it to the homeless person hanging out in the shade a few blocks from the restaurant.  Maybe.  What IS taking a stand for God is showing kindness to those who believe differently than you.  Did God EVER tell us to support Him by eating at a certain restaurant on a certain day?  Ummm, I don't think so.  He did say, when asked about the most important commandment, "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'  The second is this:  'Love your neighbor as yourself.'  There is no commandment greater than these."  (Mark 12: 28-31)

I get that part of this argument is to support free speech.  Are you going to shop at JCPenny to support free speech too?  Or are you only supporting free speech you agree with?  That supports your beliefs?

I am not homosexual.  I do not understand homosexuality.  BUT, I'm not going to be unkind to you because you are homosexual.  I'm not going to stand in your face and yell at you and tell you that you are beating a fast track to hell.  Why?  Because I do not know your heart.  I do not know if you are beating a fast track to hell.  If you are on that path, are you beating a faster track than the minister who stands in the pulpit and preaches against homosexuality while having an affair with someone?  Are you beating a faster track than me when I sin?  I just don't believe that we show God's love by being unkind to anyone.  I don't understand how we who call ourselves Christians can be such asses about it.  I really don't get that.

This issue is bigger than free speech for me.  This issue is bigger than supporting traditional marriage for me.  This issue is bigger than supporting or denouncing homosexuality for me.  This issue is about showing Christ's love.  This issue is about kindness to my neighbor.  We Christians are WAY missing the mark on this one.

Mom Heart

I've been wondering for the past 24 hours . . . What happens to a woman's heart when she has children? It has to be supernatural. Things I NEVER even gave a second thought before children scare the poo out of me after children. For example, you want to traipse around in the woods with a heavy pack in a thunder and lightening storm, go for it. Never gave it a second thought. Not my thing, but you go for it. Well, my child wants to do that and I'm turned into an anxiety ridden freak! I let him go, but I'm now a freak! Must learn how to wrangle this mom heart!  I don't want it to go away.  I like this mom heart.  I just need to know how to manage it.  I have no idea if dads experience something similar.  Would be interested to know.  I just know that a mom heart is fierce!

Is God in the stillness?

Have you ever gone through a period when you do not feel God is present with you?  Even when you have felt He was present before?  Have you ever struggled with church attendance/participation because it feels like going through the motions with nothing behind it?  Do you ever feel like there is more?  More than what we learn at church?  What is the point?  I understand this spiritual thing.  I've finally decided, at least for now, just to be with it.  Stop struggling with it and just see where it goes.  Reading that book by Barbara Brown Taylor and others have helped some.  My papaw helped too.  His favorite verse is (because the verse still is) "Be still and know that I am God."  It's in Psalm, but I don't remember where.  I've wondered for a while, of all the verses he could pick, why did Papaw pick that one?  There has to be something to it.  God has to be in the stillness.  I don't have to see Him there or feel Him there or sense Him there for Him to be there.  So, I'm focusing on that for now.  I think we do each other (we as Christians) a HUGE disservice by hiding these dry spells (or whatever you want to call them).  Life is not all mountain tops.  Spiritual life is not all mountain tops.  If it were, then we would have to redefine it as level ground.  Besides that, mountain tops are cold and pointy.  I also think that we (read Christy) get caught up in wanting what we do not have.  Materially, physically, spiritually.  What if my lessons for now are in the stillness, the dry period?  The children of Israel wandered around in the desert (did I spell that right, if not they are in the sweets) for 40 years.  I don't think that is only literal.  Reading it now, we see God was with them the entire time.  Watching, teaching.  But, I have to wonder if it felt that way to them.  What if the Christian life isn't to be something spectacular?  Just a measured way of living day to day?  I don't know the answers.  I have more questions every day.  I doubt.  Big time!  I struggle with unbelief.  Big time!  But I haven't given up yet.  God has to still be there.  If not, why even bother?

5 years

Dear Papaw,
It has been almost five years since you died.  Seems like yesterday while at the same time seeming like much longer.  I've decided I'm going to do my best to honor your memory and move along with this grief thing.  I'm sure I'll always be a little sad around the first week in April.  Your absence leaves such a large void.  But, I'll do my best to remember what you taught me while here and what you are still teaching me now that you are gone.  Thank you for always being that quiet presence in the background.  Thank you that any of us (your children, grandchildren, anyone really) could come to you for direction and be quieted and comforted in your presence.  Thank you that you loved each of us so much.  You always loved us no matter what.  You might be disappointed in our behavior, but you never seemed disappointed in us.  Thank you for standing up for me.  I noticed.  I will always remember my asking you for advice and you telling me, "I won't tell you what to do, but I'll support you in your decision."  Thank you.  I'll also always remember me asking you to give me away at my wedding.  Your reply, "I won't give you away, but I'll walk you down the aisle."  Thank you.  You always made me feel accepted, loved, wanted.  Thank you.  I miss you, Papaw.  A lot.  I've wondered over the last five years why your favorite Bible verse is "Be still and know that I am God."  I think about it a lot.  I'm learning.  Little bits and pieces, but I'm learning.

Hope

I've been listening to Whitney Houston sing "Jesus Loves Me."  I'm so saddened by her death.  Such an amazing talent who could never conquer her demons.  I like to think that Jesus welcomed her to Heaven yesterday.  I can imagine Him meeting her, welcoming her into his arms and saying, "Come here Whitney. It's over now.  Rest.  Rest."  I don't presume to know the mind of Jesus, but it is comforting for me to think he might have said this.  We are all so broken.  None of us can conquer our demons alone.  I'm not sure any of us can conquer our demons on this side of life.  I am comforted greatly to know that one day I will hear, "Come here Christy.  It's over now.  Rest.  Rest."

It's curious to me. . .

I have been reading another blog for a few weeks and really like what I have been reading.  I find with each post, I learn something about God, myself, love, etc.  Recently this blogger bravely attacked a difficult subject.  Homosexuality.  Her post was picked up by the Huffington Post.  A lot of people have read it.  I was surprised at how many people posted on her FB page that they vehemently disagree with her and would no longer be reading her blog.  I am a little saddened and surprised by that.  I don't agree with everything I read.  I don't agree with any other person 100%.  I am willing to listen to an alternate view point.  How can I learn more about myself and others if I always ingest the same ideas?  How can I be certain of my belief if it is never challenged?  How can my faith grow if there is no grey area or sometimes even doubt?  Quite honestly, I don't know whether I agree or disagree with this blogger on this issue.  I do know that I will always love my children and accept them NO MATTER WHAT.  I don't have to approve.  I don't have to understand.  I do have to accept.  I'm their mom forever!  Maybe one day I can definitively say I believe THIS or THAT about homosexuality.  Until then (and hopefully even after), I will do my best to listen, to accept, and to love no matter what.  The other blog is momastary.  You should check it out!  http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/22/a-mountain-im-willing-to-die-on-2/

Growth doesn't always mean becoming larger . . .

I've spent the last hour or so in my closet going through my clothes.  Most of them are too big. This is a good thing.  It is very empowering.  It is also a little frightening.  I realize I'm going through some BIG changes.  Physically, yes.  But also emotionally and mentally.  I feel like I'm awakening from some sort of fog.  I've felt that for a while.  I'm becoming stronger.  I'm becoming more confident.  I'm seeing glimpses of the person I never thought I would see again.  Older.  Maybe wiser.  At least not quite as naive.  It is very empowering.  This awakening.  It is awesome, actually.  I'm feeling again.  Granted, I cry at almost everything.  Happy tears and sometimes sad tears.  That's OK too.  To be fully alive, one has to feel.  That means sometimes it hurts.  Much of the time it does not.  It is great.  I'm still working all this out.  Does anyone ever figure it all out?  But, it's a start.  A good start.    Why is it frightening?  Change usually is for me.  I like the comfort of knowing everything around me and how things will play out.  Change messes all that up.  It's Ok though.  Today I got this.  Tomorrow is still yet to be determined.  But, today I got this.

Put your money where your mouth is . . .

According to SCIWAY.net, there are over 4 million people in SC.  A little more than 1/2 of those 4 million are registered to vote.  Let's just assume for this purpose that 1/2 of the registered voters are registered Republican.  There is a Republican primary here on Saturday.  Over the past two days, I'm averaging 8+ calls from the candidates.  Imagine if all registered Republicans are receiving those calls.  Look at the print ads.  Received at least 4 cards for different candidates in the mail yesterday.  Look at the tv/radio ads.  Not just in this small state, but in all states with major primary action.  Think about all that money.  WASTED on politics.  I want a candidate who says, "You know.  Instead of using ALL this money to attempt to get elected, I'm going to donate it to Head Start or The Red Cross or The Salvation Army or (insert your local charity).  I'm not going to be nasty to another candidate.  I'm going to use this money and position for greater good and NOT for my election."  I know there are laws preventing the use of election money for this.  Just go with me to this fantasy place for a bit.  What would happen?  What would happen even if it were donated to offset the deficit?  I would vote for that candidate! In a heartbeat.  Republican OR Democrat.  That won't happen though.  We will watch as candidates burn through money while campaigning in states where the unemployment rate is still incredibly high, where the number of homeless continues to grow, where kids go hungry, etc and we will continue to receive 8+ unprompted and unanswered political phone calls a day.  WHAT is wrong with this picture??

Alert the Justice League!

I've found my super power!  Get this . . . I can grow hair at alarming rates . . . one at a time . . . in inconvenient places . . . several colors . . . but not on command . . . yet . . . Must harness this power to use for good.  BAM! Hair.  BAM! Another hair.  BAM!  You get the picture.

Challenge for 2012

I have always enjoyed being around pastor George Moore.  (formerly of First Presbyterian Church, Greenville SC)  He reminds me of my beloved Papaw in looks (totally white hair combed straight back with dark eyebrows) and in spirit.  He is one of those people who has a quiet and gentle spirit who is just easy and comforting to be around.  He visited our church yesterday morning to give an update of his interim pastor experience while in "retirement."  He relayed his appreciation for the written notes of encouragement he and his wife AND the church staff have received from friends at FPC.  I was challenged to send more written notes to people this year.  I have gotten away from that with e-mail and facebook.  I DO have all these note cards just lying around.  So, one of my goals for the new year is to send handwritten notes of encouragement to my friends, family, etc.  What is your challenge for 2012?